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Students: classes will be canceled tomorrow. I apologise for the short notice.

If anyone has questions, please hold them for my return, as I cannot guarantee I will be able to answer comments in my journal with any sort of alacrity.

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From:

alt_antonin

You are likely asleep right now, dear heart. I hope that you are, at least -- one of us should have a chance to get some rest.

I should sleep myself, I know -- tomorrow will be brutal -- and yet. And yet. Was it only last week I was saying that I missed the days in which we were living at the tips of our toes, wands out, eyes in the back of our heads? I should know better by now than to wax nostalgic about people trying to kill me, I suppose.

~~I cannot believe that~~

It finally struck me, I suppose, a few minutes ago. Drinking a cup of coffee and wondering whether I would do better with a few hours' sleep, or if I should push through to morning on caffeine and stubbornness. I suppose there is a part of me that does not want to sleep, because if I do, then I will wake into a world where everything has changed utterly. Where He is no more, and we are left to hold the pieces. And hold the faith, as best we might, as imperfect as we might be, with nothing more than each other left to hold on to.

It does not feel real yet. I suppose I don't want it to.

And here we are, left floundering, His best and brightest -- or at least, certain of us -- scrabbling as best we might to seize what we can in terms of stability. Wondering, all the way, which of us can be trusted, without Him to put an end to our petty quarrels when they arise. (And yet, how much of that thinking is my nostalgia for the way things used to be? For in this past year, I have seen so many ways in which He is was no longer the consummate leader He was a decade ago. Or ways in which He decided that we were able to govern ourselves and no longer needed Him to dog our every step, and we failed Him.)

Did we fail Him? ~~Or did He fail us?~~ No -- of course we did; we would not be in these circumstances had we not. But I am left to wonder what we could have done differently, what we failed to do, what individual actions and choices led us to this moment. What else I could have done that would have prevented me from sitting here, in the middle of the night, staring at nothing and wondering what the world will look like tomorrow morning when the sun rises and the country finds out that alea iacta est.

I suppose it could be worse; I could have lived through tonight without the knowledge that no matter what should happen, I at least have the finest son a man could wish for to stand at my side and face the future with me.

And on that note, perhaps I will get a few hours of sleep after all. Wake me first thing in the morning, and we will make our lists of the thousands of details that must be attended to. And the world will go on, I suppose, no matter that everything has changed and nothing will ever be the same again.

From:

alt_crouch_jr

Not sleeping, no. I hope you are getting some now, though. Would come to you but for that: one of us ought to rest.

We did not fail Him, Batya. We've given our hearts' blood in service. And may give all before this is finished. And for what, in the end? For there to be an end?

I cannot believe it's ended. This way. At the hands of a no one. That He should prove so w mortal, so common. To fall as all others do.

Where did His power go, Batya? How could this be all? Have we been deluding ourselves all this time? Following a fraud? I can't believe that.

He was glorious. When I took His Mark, He was all-mastering. And now, the Mark is all that's left? I can feel it there, it hasn't gone yet. Is that an illusion, too? It was agony at that moment, was it not? In His dying, but that's all that remained of His power, that last Cruciating spasm. I wonder how long that agony will haunt us before it fades and leaves us with truly nothing.

Death Eaters.

I can't believe He's left us to this. Devouring one another. But you're right: what He'd become-

It would please Him to see us destroy one another. Nothing entertained Him more. Look at what He's done this fortnight? Pouring oil on the embers of all our jealousies, fueling our suspicions, our anxieties.

I would think this a game of His, but His death was no illusion. His corpse- was nothing more than that. A lump of lifeless flesh, so wasted. And deformed, Batya. Hideous.

I had to leave Bella to herself tonight, to her fury. What will we be now? What will we make of ourselves with no one now but ourselves to serve? I never imagined this could happen. Still can't grasp it. Who did? Who could have wished this? Planned it?

And what good is it to write all this? It changes nothing.

Helps nothing.

And it's day already. I'll be there shortly, and we can decide what's next to do.

From:

alt_antonin

I am not sleeping. I tried, but every time I closed my eyes...

You're right, of course. (When have you not been?) These past few weeks -- but am I viewing our past through rose colored glasses? I look back and think of the days when we were His hands, loyal and obedient, united as one behind the vision He articulated so clearly, and I remember finding family, finding brotherhood, finding you, and Lyoushka, and Raz and Rod, and Bella, and Stephen, and Ari, and Evan, and.…

But those worthies are not all to have born His mark, are they? He ~~has~~ had always been a master at looking within the hearts and minds of men, and finding the greatness that lies within, but am I only seeing the moments in which He made those stunning moments of looking-through, and forgetting the choices He made that did not work out so readily? We've been asking ourselves this past fortnight what He could have been thinking, in elevating so many who were so unworthy or who had not yet proven their readiness, but have we simply forgot those decisions He made in years before, that we have been struggling to work around for so long?

I suppose it is poetic justice, that He should be undone by one He chose to elevate, upon His whim and without having been proven.

I do not know what might become of us. I do know that I will not allow what we have made, what we have bought, what we have bled for and died for, to fall apart. This achievement is ours, no matter that He should not see what might happen after His demise. With all the breath remaining to me, I will not permit the forces of decay to prevail.

I am somehow not surprised that He should not have made arrangements for what would happen after His death. I cannot imagine He was willing to entertain the possibility that He too might be mortal. And given what I have seen of Him in the past year, I am not surprised that He should care little for those of us left behind. He has been so preoccupied that He had forgot loyalty ought run in both directions

I am not making sense. Well, the world does not make sense at the moment, so why should I be any different?

Come soon. I ought be saved from my melancholy.