You'll never read this, Toshenka, but if I don't write it, I'll burst. I miss you too. Fridays, most of all.
I hope Alice agrees I can send something. So you at least know I'm here and listening. That we weren't cruel to Narcissa. Not like that. (And there's Lucius, and I wish you knew he's safe, that we did what He wouldn't.)
It took me so much longer than other people to realise how broken things are, for everyone. Not until after Raz. Until it was personal. I'm ashamed of that. Ashamed to be here with everyone's who've been doing such hard and important things for so much longer.
I miss my life being simple, just the stars and the teaching and safe distance from anything dangerous, only it was always dangerous, I just didn't see.
You were never a plot, nor Raz. Honest friendship, honest love. It'd be easier if it weren't, if I could set you aside. But I can't, and so you and Raz are hanging there in the middle of every conversation, how loyalty isn't simple, friendship isn't simple, family isn't simple, and it matters anyway. People are kind here, far kinder than I have any right to expect, but - I miss my friends. Including you.
There's a few bright stars. Evelyn. So many days when the reason I get out of bed is teaching her. How she's clever and hard-working and loves her studies, but she's caring, and wants so much to help. Thank you for saving her. I'm more and more sure you did. And I can't tell you that either.
(And then I think of Lana, and once I've gotten through a round of hating her for having everything I wanted and will never have and I don't even know where to start with Rod, I get to wishing you had a better apprentice, someone who'd care for you, not just look out for herself. One more way the world's broken.)
Cedric's working himself to pieces, and I don't know how to make him stop (because it's not like I don't do the same thing) but he's here and he's safe. And Poppy - Poppy's doing so much good here, everywhere, we could do with a dozen healers, but I know how hard it must be at school, without her. Without someone reliable.
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Date: 2015-02-21 10:41 am (UTC)I hope Alice agrees I can send something. So you at least know I'm here and listening. That we weren't cruel to Narcissa. Not like that. (And there's Lucius, and I wish you knew he's safe, that we did what He wouldn't.)
It took me so much longer than other people to realise how broken things are, for everyone. Not until after Raz. Until it was personal. I'm ashamed of that. Ashamed to be here with everyone's who've been doing such hard and important things for so much longer.
I miss my life being simple, just the stars and the teaching and safe distance from anything dangerous, only it was always dangerous, I just didn't see.
You were never a plot, nor Raz. Honest friendship, honest love. It'd be easier if it weren't, if I could set you aside. But I can't, and so you and Raz are hanging there in the middle of every conversation, how loyalty isn't simple, friendship isn't simple, family isn't simple, and it matters anyway. People are kind here, far kinder than I have any right to expect, but - I miss my friends. Including you.
There's a few bright stars. Evelyn. So many days when the reason I get out of bed is teaching her. How she's clever and hard-working and loves her studies, but she's caring, and wants so much to help. Thank you for saving her. I'm more and more sure you did. And I can't tell you that either.
(And then I think of Lana, and once I've gotten through a round of hating her for having everything I wanted and will never have
and I don't even know where to start with Rod, I get to wishing you had a better apprentice, someone who'd care for you, not just look out for herself. One more way the world's broken.)Cedric's working himself to pieces, and I don't know how to make him stop (because it's not like I don't do the same thing) but he's here and he's safe. And Poppy - Poppy's doing so much good here, everywhere, we could do with a dozen healers, but I know how hard it must be at school, without her. Without someone reliable.
I miss Pomona